Our IVF Journey
Lots of ups, downs, shots, doctors appointments, and waiting went into our journey to bring baby boy T into our family. We were open with friends and family about IVF being in our plan, but I was surprised once we got started how difficult it was to share in the moment—mostly because things didn't go as planned, or we wanted more privacy during certain parts. We've shared bits and pieces with friends and family throughout the years, but as baby boy is almost here, I'm feeling ready to share more details for those interested.
A few quick side notes: May contain TMI material for those not interested in the IVF process. ;) Also, there were a few people who, whether they knew it or not, really impacted me throughout the IVF process. Whether they simply shared their own experiences that validated my thoughts or let me ask them questions, they were a big comfort to me, and I'm happy to chat with anyone who might be going through something similar if it would be helpful for them.
Before we were married, Tayler and I talked about using IVF with PGD (In-Vitro Fertilization with Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis) to start our family because of my HNPP (hereditary neuropathy, which means there is a 50% chance each of our children will be carriers, and each carrier would have a 20% chance of being more affected/having harsher symptoms than me). My neurologist had recommended this to us, and told us we could go to an initial consult with an IVF clinic nearby for free to learn more about what the process would look like for us. But, as it turns out, those initial consults aren't actually free. We decided to wait on the consult until Tayler and I were both ready to start are family.
We had a few steps to take before we could proceed, like meeting with a prenatal specialist to see if he thought I'd be ok being pregnant with my neuropathy. Around December of 2017, we were trying to decide if we wanted to proceed with IVF or wait until Tayler started his job in September—we had asked HR about insurance and found out that one plan covered 90% of the costs, up to a $20k lifetime max. The only thing was, we weren't sure at that point if the 90% included the PGD or PGS (Pre-Implantation Genetic Screening) portion, which costs quite a bit in and of itself. We eventually decided to wait a few more months to see if the insurance would help cover that. As it turns out, it didn't.
After Tayler started his job in September 2018 and all the insurance details were figured out, we moved forward with the first step—testing my parents to see who had the HNPP gene and then having Tayler, me, and my parents swab our cheek with a DNA kit to trace the gene and be able to create a probe that would be able to test our embryos to see which ones had the gene (this is the PGD genetic screening).
As mentioned above, there is also genetic testing referred to as PGS. This is more generic genetic screening, as it tests for more common genetic disorders, such as cystic fibrosis. We chose to do this form of testing for a few different reasons: 1) With IVF, there's a greater chance that the pregnancy will succeed if the embryo is normal/healthy, and 2) We feel that as we're using IVF anyway, we have the ability to do all we can to ensure our children can have healthy, strong bodies.
We found a new fertility clinic here in California (RSC Bay Fertility) and went for another consultation in January of 2019 to get the actual IVF portion started. At this point, we were just playing the waiting game, as the PGD test had to come back successful before anything else could begin. They said it would take around 6-8 weeks. We prayed that the lab would be able to create the probe this first time so we wouldn't have to try again with another lab (there were three potential labs to try).
In March of 2019, we were notified that our lab finished our probe for us (at the 8 week mark)!
As we were waiting for the probe, we were also doing a genetic carrier screening test that took about 3 weeks for the results (another two weeks after finding out our probe was completed). We decided to do it to ensure the greatest possibility of a successful IVF cycle and pregnancy. This basically tested Tayler and I to see if we were carriers for about 250 genetic diseases. Tayler was found to be a carrier for 1 rare disease, but I wasn't found to be a carrier for anything.
In the meantime, we had also had some other blood work and testing done and found out that I need to take Vitamin D supplements and medication to lower my thyroid (to be the optimal level for conceiving). I went off birth control, and once we had all the levels looking good (after a month or two), we were able to start the process.
*
Tayler had to provide a semen sample while I was in surgery, and then he was back by the time I woke up. After the surgery, the nurse came in and was waking me up and I just remember telling her, "I love anesthesia." I was loving that deep sleep, especially after getting around 5 hours of sleep the night before (we had to wake up around 5 am to drive the hour-long commute to the San Ramon office, where they have the surgery center). Our doctor old us they had retrieved all 15 eggs, which was such great news.
The next day, I received a call from my doctor saying 13 of the 15 eggs they harvested were mature, and 10 of those successfully fertilized. They let the new embryos grow for 6 days. At the end of the six days, we found out we had a total of 6 embryos (four embryos were 5 days mature, two were 6 days mature) that were biopsied and sent for testing. Then we had to wait around 15 days to get the testing results back from PGD and PGS testing.
We were supposed to find out the results on a Wednesday, but on Friday my case manager informed me that the results had been ready since Wednesday, but she hadn't been given authorization to release the results! Talk about a test of patience! Two extra days spent praying my heart out.
The next Monday, I got the call from my Dr. and found out we have TWO viable embryos! I had been praying so hard during the wait that God would let me have just one so we could start our family, and we felt so incredibly grateful. Out of the six we sent for testing, four of the embryos were anueploids (didn't have the correct chromosomes). Of those four, two were affected with HNPP.
We decided not to learn the sex of the viable embryos until the later in the process. It felt like too much pressure to find out and choose which to transfer first, so we decided to just transfer the one that looked the best healthiest.
From the day we found out the baby didn't grow until after this hysteroscopy, I had been having a hard time. I felt hurt spiritually, drained emotionally, and had dealt with a lot of hormones, medicine, and recovery physically. I felt deflated.
In mid-late October, I had my saline sonogram (ultrasound) to see how everything looked after the hysteroscopy to see if we could proceed with the Frozen Embryo Transfer of our second embaby. I was told I needed another hysteroscopy. They noticed my uterus has a slight heart shape—not enough that anyone was concerned before, but it was the only explanation the doctors had for the first miscarriage. We were frustrated our doctor hadn't mentioned this sooner and wondered if we could have fixed it during the first hysteroscopy if she had.
I feel pretty discouraged at this point. I got out of the doctors office, into my car, and started crying and praying. My irreverent prayer went like, "Heavenly Father, what the crap?" I was struggling to understand His will. I felt like I was putting out all the effort, and He was leaving me hanging. It felt like one thing after another, and all I could do was try my best not to be completely knocked down. I felt hurt when I prayed, read scriptures, and listened to conference talks. I kept hearing the phrase "we can find joy in any circumstances as long as Christ is the center of our lives." I felt like I was trying, but must not have been able to do enough to make it to that point. I needed time to heal, physically and spiritually.
I didn't feel like I could share my feelings with anyone other than Tayler for fear that I'd be looked at as a worrisome case of someone losing faith. I knew that God loves me. I had never had an experience like this before, where I doubted if I was doing enough to merit His grace. I didn't know how to have faith moving forward when I felt so terrified of the next steps going awry. What if things would keep going the way they were going?
I had the second hysteroscopy on October 23. It went well and was easier than the previous time, as they put the IV in my elbow instead of the back of my left hand (the worst). My doctor also insructed them not to sedate me so heavily with the anesthesia this time (coming out of it was surprisingly rough the first time), so it was a lot easier coming out of it and recovering the rest of the day. Recovery afterward also went better--with no more bleeding than expected.
On the day before Thanksgiving, I went in for my saline sonogram (ultrasound) to see if we could proceed for a second transfer. They found a thin band of adhesions in my uterus and didn't really say much on whether that would affect it (my doctor was out, it was just an assistant who did the sonogram). Another doctor took a look at the ultrasound pictures later that day and told me I'd need to come in again for a repeat sonogram, which I did on December 2.
I was nervous that we'd have to wait another cycle—or worse, have to do another hysteroscopy. I prayed so hard, pleading with Heavenly Father to give me a miracle to help the adhesion/tissue dissolve. We went to the temple and did initiatories and I fasted that Sunday. I had Tayler give me a priesthood blessing and he promised me peace and healing.
We started medications and shots a few days later and had our transfer on Dec. 16th. The transfer went smoothly, but we couldn't actually see the embryo as clearly as we had with the first transfer, just a little flash almost. Once again I prayed hard and asked for a miracle a second time. I had been reading in the Bible about people asking for miracles and realized I hadn't really done that before (before the first miracle I asked for previously).
The wait was pretty difficult. Unlike the first transfer, I didn't really have a gut feeling whether it worked or not. So I prayed and trusted and hoped. I took a home test early, before leaving for the holidays to be with family, but it came out negative (I wasn't too worried because I knew it was so early to test . . . about day 5). Our testing day was on Christmas, and though the clinic wanted me to wait to receive a more accurate blood test, I took a home test first thing that morning and got a positive. Best Christmas present we could have ever received! :) We kept that to ourselves this time, not wanting to share until after the first ultrasound (with the history of the last miscarriage). At our first transfer we had kept our parents informed, and we had told our parents we were transferring this second time, but we didn't want to get ourselves or anyone else too excited yet. I got a blood test done on the 26th, which came back positive, but both Tayler and I felt like we needed to make it to the first ultrasound confirmation to really believe it was real and not get our hopes up too high. The miscarriage had made us more cautious this time around.
We were in Redlands for Christmas and Utah for the New Year, and my doctor always wants a second blood test a few days later to confirm the HCG levels were rising appropriately. So I snuck away and went to another lab in Utah, from which I received a call with results from my doctor . . . she started off with congrats, and then asked if I had been to two different labs for the first and second test. When I responded that I had, she mentioned the levels didn't seem to be rising as much as needed, but there can be a difference between labs. That made us nervous, of course. Once we were back in California, we had a 3rd confirmation blood-work test completed, which came back perfect. :) God granted us miracle #2.
Now we're at less than a month before baby boy makes his debut. The challenges haven't gone away—thanks, Covid—but we've been through enough to get this far that I believe it's slowly making us stronger. I think one of the biggest things I've learned is that sometimes, all you can do is try to trust in God and have faith, and that is enough to pull you through. I've learned that God grants miracles for me. I've learned that it's ok if I don't know why things happened the way they did. Even with questions, I can continue to act in faith by trusting God and hanging on to what I do know.
A few quick side notes: May contain TMI material for those not interested in the IVF process. ;) Also, there were a few people who, whether they knew it or not, really impacted me throughout the IVF process. Whether they simply shared their own experiences that validated my thoughts or let me ask them questions, they were a big comfort to me, and I'm happy to chat with anyone who might be going through something similar if it would be helpful for them.
*
Before we were married, Tayler and I talked about using IVF with PGD (In-Vitro Fertilization with Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis) to start our family because of my HNPP (hereditary neuropathy, which means there is a 50% chance each of our children will be carriers, and each carrier would have a 20% chance of being more affected/having harsher symptoms than me). My neurologist had recommended this to us, and told us we could go to an initial consult with an IVF clinic nearby for free to learn more about what the process would look like for us. But, as it turns out, those initial consults aren't actually free. We decided to wait on the consult until Tayler and I were both ready to start are family.
In the summer of 2017, Tayler and I were feeling closer to wanting to start trying. I saw a post on FB from one of the IVF clinics a friend had used that was doing a giveaway for a free consult. I usually wouldn't have entered this, because I didn't want others to see that I was entering, but I went for it. I ended up winning a free consult! We were just leaving on a trip to Europe, then to an internship in California, and then had vacations with both families right after, so we waited to schedule the appointment until we were back. The appointment was scheduled for October, and was so helpful. Even though I had been researching for over a year about IVF and PGD, it was so helpful to sit down with someone and talk about our situation. Basically, we learned that the process for us could take anywhere from 3 months to 2 years before we could get pregnant. On average, they said it takes about a year. In my mind, I was saying, "What!? We're finally ready. I thought 3 months, maybe, but not a year, or 2 years!"
We had a few steps to take before we could proceed, like meeting with a prenatal specialist to see if he thought I'd be ok being pregnant with my neuropathy. Around December of 2017, we were trying to decide if we wanted to proceed with IVF or wait until Tayler started his job in September—we had asked HR about insurance and found out that one plan covered 90% of the costs, up to a $20k lifetime max. The only thing was, we weren't sure at that point if the 90% included the PGD or PGS (Pre-Implantation Genetic Screening) portion, which costs quite a bit in and of itself. We eventually decided to wait a few more months to see if the insurance would help cover that. As it turns out, it didn't.
After Tayler started his job in September 2018 and all the insurance details were figured out, we moved forward with the first step—testing my parents to see who had the HNPP gene and then having Tayler, me, and my parents swab our cheek with a DNA kit to trace the gene and be able to create a probe that would be able to test our embryos to see which ones had the gene (this is the PGD genetic screening).
As mentioned above, there is also genetic testing referred to as PGS. This is more generic genetic screening, as it tests for more common genetic disorders, such as cystic fibrosis. We chose to do this form of testing for a few different reasons: 1) With IVF, there's a greater chance that the pregnancy will succeed if the embryo is normal/healthy, and 2) We feel that as we're using IVF anyway, we have the ability to do all we can to ensure our children can have healthy, strong bodies.
We found a new fertility clinic here in California (RSC Bay Fertility) and went for another consultation in January of 2019 to get the actual IVF portion started. At this point, we were just playing the waiting game, as the PGD test had to come back successful before anything else could begin. They said it would take around 6-8 weeks. We prayed that the lab would be able to create the probe this first time so we wouldn't have to try again with another lab (there were three potential labs to try).
In March of 2019, we were notified that our lab finished our probe for us (at the 8 week mark)!
As we were waiting for the probe, we were also doing a genetic carrier screening test that took about 3 weeks for the results (another two weeks after finding out our probe was completed). We decided to do it to ensure the greatest possibility of a successful IVF cycle and pregnancy. This basically tested Tayler and I to see if we were carriers for about 250 genetic diseases. Tayler was found to be a carrier for 1 rare disease, but I wasn't found to be a carrier for anything.
In the meantime, we had also had some other blood work and testing done and found out that I need to take Vitamin D supplements and medication to lower my thyroid (to be the optimal level for conceiving). I went off birth control, and once we had all the levels looking good (after a month or two), we were able to start the process.
*
On April 5, 2019, we started the injectable medications (in the lower abdomen). At first it was just two shots per night (out of around 14-15 total days of shots): Follistim and Menopur. Menopur burns . . . it really stung and hurt quite a bit. The Follistim came in a nifty pen form that makes it easier to get ready, plus the needle for that one was a micro needle, so it was a lot smaller and easier than Menopur. These drugs help grow and increase egg output.
Tayler gave me all the shots and did a fantastic job. He was so sweet about it and would help me calm down by talking me through it. He made sure to turn on Justin Bieber and Nora Jones while he gave them to help me be happy. ;)
On day 5 of shots, we also started Cetrotide. This is the medication to stop me from ovulating so I don't lose the eggs before they were harvested. This one was the worst, especially the first night. The needle had looked a little bit longer than the others, but Tayler brushed it off and said it wasn't any longer to help me not to worry. Turns out it was longer (3/4" compared to Menopur at 1/2" and Follistim being the micro needle). When it went in, there was the initial pain of the needle, but then there was a second pain, worse than the first, feeling like it went through my uterus. It got a little bit better when I started icing beforehand, and I also learned that placement on my stomach made a difference in the pain level.
Especially at the beginning, but still every night, I would get pretty anxious about having to do the shots again. Lots of tears those nights, and a lot of bloating and discomfort as some of the side affects of the shots.
For the first few days of shots, I had appointments at the clinic to get an ultrasound and blood draw every other day to monitor the egg growth and medication levels. Then they had me come every day as things progressed.
At one of my monitoring appointments, the nurse mentioned the next shots—I hadn't realized or been told that there were more shots for the cycle, so I was pretty unhappy at the idea of more shots. These next shots would be in my back hips to prepare for the FET (frozen embryo transfer), paired with other medication.
At this point, we were praying and hoping for enough eggs so that we could get enough embryos (ideally to get enough that we wouldn't have to do another IVF cycle).
I had my egg retrieval on Wednesday, April 17th. So I kept taking all three shots (all in the abdomen) until Monday, when they had me just take Cetrotide, one of three, earlier in the evening (5pm) and then I took the trigger shot that night (April 15) at 7:45 pm. The trigger shot gets the eggs ready for the egg retrieval and has to be done at an exact time, a certain amount of time before the retrieval surgery.
Tayler gave me all the shots and did a fantastic job. He was so sweet about it and would help me calm down by talking me through it. He made sure to turn on Justin Bieber and Nora Jones while he gave them to help me be happy. ;)
On day 5 of shots, we also started Cetrotide. This is the medication to stop me from ovulating so I don't lose the eggs before they were harvested. This one was the worst, especially the first night. The needle had looked a little bit longer than the others, but Tayler brushed it off and said it wasn't any longer to help me not to worry. Turns out it was longer (3/4" compared to Menopur at 1/2" and Follistim being the micro needle). When it went in, there was the initial pain of the needle, but then there was a second pain, worse than the first, feeling like it went through my uterus. It got a little bit better when I started icing beforehand, and I also learned that placement on my stomach made a difference in the pain level.
Especially at the beginning, but still every night, I would get pretty anxious about having to do the shots again. Lots of tears those nights, and a lot of bloating and discomfort as some of the side affects of the shots.
For the first few days of shots, I had appointments at the clinic to get an ultrasound and blood draw every other day to monitor the egg growth and medication levels. Then they had me come every day as things progressed.
At one of my monitoring appointments, the nurse mentioned the next shots—I hadn't realized or been told that there were more shots for the cycle, so I was pretty unhappy at the idea of more shots. These next shots would be in my back hips to prepare for the FET (frozen embryo transfer), paired with other medication.
At this point, we were praying and hoping for enough eggs so that we could get enough embryos (ideally to get enough that we wouldn't have to do another IVF cycle).
I had my egg retrieval on Wednesday, April 17th. So I kept taking all three shots (all in the abdomen) until Monday, when they had me just take Cetrotide, one of three, earlier in the evening (5pm) and then I took the trigger shot that night (April 15) at 7:45 pm. The trigger shot gets the eggs ready for the egg retrieval and has to be done at an exact time, a certain amount of time before the retrieval surgery.
The retrieval was at 7:45 am on Wednesday. Tayler had to come with me, as the surgery required anesthesia. We got there 45 minutes early as instructed, got ready, and waited for my turn for surgery. I was pretty nervous—not really for the surgery, but for the amount of eggs we'd get, and for the IV (lol typical Becca). She said "IV" and my heartbeat started racing, of course this was right before she took my vitals. She asked me, "Your heartbeat is a little high . . . are you nervous?" I did fine with the IV but started getting a little panicky when I saw the surgery table/contraption that would strap my legs and arms in—but luckily that's when the anesthesia kicked in and I fell asleep.
Tayler had to provide a semen sample while I was in surgery, and then he was back by the time I woke up. After the surgery, the nurse came in and was waking me up and I just remember telling her, "I love anesthesia." I was loving that deep sleep, especially after getting around 5 hours of sleep the night before (we had to wake up around 5 am to drive the hour-long commute to the San Ramon office, where they have the surgery center). Our doctor old us they had retrieved all 15 eggs, which was such great news.
The next day, I received a call from my doctor saying 13 of the 15 eggs they harvested were mature, and 10 of those successfully fertilized. They let the new embryos grow for 6 days. At the end of the six days, we found out we had a total of 6 embryos (four embryos were 5 days mature, two were 6 days mature) that were biopsied and sent for testing. Then we had to wait around 15 days to get the testing results back from PGD and PGS testing.
We were supposed to find out the results on a Wednesday, but on Friday my case manager informed me that the results had been ready since Wednesday, but she hadn't been given authorization to release the results! Talk about a test of patience! Two extra days spent praying my heart out.
The next Monday, I got the call from my Dr. and found out we have TWO viable embryos! I had been praying so hard during the wait that God would let me have just one so we could start our family, and we felt so incredibly grateful. Out of the six we sent for testing, four of the embryos were anueploids (didn't have the correct chromosomes). Of those four, two were affected with HNPP.
We decided not to learn the sex of the viable embryos until the later in the process. It felt like too much pressure to find out and choose which to transfer first, so we decided to just transfer the one that looked the best healthiest.
*
June 17, 2019, was our transfer day! The transfer went smoothly and we got to see and keep a picture of our embryo (named embryo #3). We were able to see them put the embryo inside me on the ultrasound screen, which was amazing! I started the other medications and shots 6 days prior to the transfer (which continued for around 6 weeks or so).
We transferred on a Monday and then had to wait 1.5 weeks (until June 26, 2019) to get a blood test to see if we were pregnant. I got the good news call from my doctor, and called Tayler. We were both in agreement that, while incredibly exciting, it also seemed hard to believe. Following protocol, I went to get another blood test a few days later to check my hcg, progesterone, and estrogen levels to confirm everything looked right. Then we had a few weeks to wait before the first ultrasound check.
The first half of the wait, I felt SO much peace. I really felt like it worked and felt incredible comfort from my Father in Heaven. Then on Saturday, we were out grocery shopping, and I started feeling some cramping. It made me nervous, and I hadn't felt sure about it anymore, which made the second half of the wait rough. When we found out that the embryo had successfully attached and grown, we felt so blessed. I was continually thanking my Father in Heaven and praying it continued to grow and be healthy and safe.
On July 15, 2019, we went in for the first ultrasound check, and they found an empty gestational sac. A miscarriage called an anembryonic pregnancy. We were crestfallen. I was instructed to stop the shots (which basically trick your body into thinking it's pregnant since it didn't happen naturally) to let the miscarriage occur naturally (which I chose over a d&c or a pill to cause it). At this point, I was at 6 weeks and 5 days along. I was so crushed by this—it was such a horrible shock to have the positive tests and then not see the baby on the ultrasound check. We were just looking at a big empty black spot, where we both knew we should have seen something more. I can still see the sad, apologetic smile from our doctor as she told us the news.
I had the miscarriage when I was 8 weeks along. It was so difficult, even knowing my baby didn't grow. I had never really been told what a miscarriage entailed and didn't know what to expect. I was home alone while Tayler was at work, and it was just awful.
On August 8, I went to the doctor to check my hcg level. It was at 324 (a negative pregnancy test is 5 and under). My body was still "miscarrying," so I was told to wait another cycle for my body would complete it.
Unfortunately, my body had a hard time completing the miscarriage and getting rid of everything naturally, even after a few cycles. On September 13th, I had a hysteroscopy, a minor surgery to clear everything out. (I had the option to continue to wait to see if my body could complete it naturally, but this way we were able to check and make sure everything looked perfect for our next transfer. The other factor was that, apparently, when you miscarry and not everything is cleared out the first cycle, the longer some tissue/remains stay in there, the harder it is for your body to cleanse everything naturally.)
On August 8, I went to the doctor to check my hcg level. It was at 324 (a negative pregnancy test is 5 and under). My body was still "miscarrying," so I was told to wait another cycle for my body would complete it.
Unfortunately, my body had a hard time completing the miscarriage and getting rid of everything naturally, even after a few cycles. On September 13th, I had a hysteroscopy, a minor surgery to clear everything out. (I had the option to continue to wait to see if my body could complete it naturally, but this way we were able to check and make sure everything looked perfect for our next transfer. The other factor was that, apparently, when you miscarry and not everything is cleared out the first cycle, the longer some tissue/remains stay in there, the harder it is for your body to cleanse everything naturally.)
The hysteroscopy went okay, though I had a little scare recovering afterwards. I was losing more blood than I should have, but everything ended up being fine.
From the day we found out the baby didn't grow until after this hysteroscopy, I had been having a hard time. I felt hurt spiritually, drained emotionally, and had dealt with a lot of hormones, medicine, and recovery physically. I felt deflated.
I had tried so hard to be faithful and follow God, and it's been hard for me to understand why God didn't help me to keep that baby . . . because I believe He could have. I knew at the core of everything that God is good, that he loves me, watches out for me, and has a plan for me. But after spending so much money, after going through so much—emotionally and physically with all of the shots, procedures, blood work, appointments, time, and energy—after knowing it worked, after being "pregnant" for 8 weeks (we don't really know how long I was pregnant and how many of the 8 weeks I was just carrying the empty gestational sac). Finding out that my baby didn't actually grow, I wondered. Why couldn't He—why wouldn't He—help me keep my baby? It felt like I wasn't worthy of His miracles. I was scared to try again. I felt tired and confused and small and worried. I felt alone, like I couldn't hear Him or feel Him. I felt like all I could do was pray for faith and hope and try to trust God, though I was scared to put too much faith out there if it were to not work again. And then I felt guilty for not having enough faith.
In mid-late October, I had my saline sonogram (ultrasound) to see how everything looked after the hysteroscopy to see if we could proceed with the Frozen Embryo Transfer of our second embaby. I was told I needed another hysteroscopy. They noticed my uterus has a slight heart shape—not enough that anyone was concerned before, but it was the only explanation the doctors had for the first miscarriage. We were frustrated our doctor hadn't mentioned this sooner and wondered if we could have fixed it during the first hysteroscopy if she had.
I feel pretty discouraged at this point. I got out of the doctors office, into my car, and started crying and praying. My irreverent prayer went like, "Heavenly Father, what the crap?" I was struggling to understand His will. I felt like I was putting out all the effort, and He was leaving me hanging. It felt like one thing after another, and all I could do was try my best not to be completely knocked down. I felt hurt when I prayed, read scriptures, and listened to conference talks. I kept hearing the phrase "we can find joy in any circumstances as long as Christ is the center of our lives." I felt like I was trying, but must not have been able to do enough to make it to that point. I needed time to heal, physically and spiritually.
I didn't feel like I could share my feelings with anyone other than Tayler for fear that I'd be looked at as a worrisome case of someone losing faith. I knew that God loves me. I had never had an experience like this before, where I doubted if I was doing enough to merit His grace. I didn't know how to have faith moving forward when I felt so terrified of the next steps going awry. What if things would keep going the way they were going?
I had the second hysteroscopy on October 23. It went well and was easier than the previous time, as they put the IV in my elbow instead of the back of my left hand (the worst). My doctor also insructed them not to sedate me so heavily with the anesthesia this time (coming out of it was surprisingly rough the first time), so it was a lot easier coming out of it and recovering the rest of the day. Recovery afterward also went better--with no more bleeding than expected.
After my second hysteroscopy, one of the blessings I noticed is that, as I had been praying for faith, hope, and trust in Him all this time, I could tell He was blessing me to dampen those feelings of spiritual hurt and feel more trust and thankfulness toward Him.
Shortly after the second hysteroscopy, I was studying faith and wrote this thought down: "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." (Alma 32:21) I didn't know why all of these hard things had to happen (I didn't have a perfect knowledge of it), but I was trying to have faith by hoping and trusting that I knew God and His character. I knew He loved me and He was taking care of me, I just need to focus on that and on trusting in Him, and not worry about not having a perfect knowledge of things or perfect faith.
Shortly after the second hysteroscopy, I was studying faith and wrote this thought down: "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." (Alma 32:21) I didn't know why all of these hard things had to happen (I didn't have a perfect knowledge of it), but I was trying to have faith by hoping and trusting that I knew God and His character. I knew He loved me and He was taking care of me, I just need to focus on that and on trusting in Him, and not worry about not having a perfect knowledge of things or perfect faith.
*
On the day before Thanksgiving, I went in for my saline sonogram (ultrasound) to see if we could proceed for a second transfer. They found a thin band of adhesions in my uterus and didn't really say much on whether that would affect it (my doctor was out, it was just an assistant who did the sonogram). Another doctor took a look at the ultrasound pictures later that day and told me I'd need to come in again for a repeat sonogram, which I did on December 2.
I was nervous that we'd have to wait another cycle—or worse, have to do another hysteroscopy. I prayed so hard, pleading with Heavenly Father to give me a miracle to help the adhesion/tissue dissolve. We went to the temple and did initiatories and I fasted that Sunday. I had Tayler give me a priesthood blessing and he promised me peace and healing.
THEN . . . UH OH, surprise, Becca! On Dec 3rd, I woke up early in the morning to heart palpitations. I'd felt something similar one time in high school, bu his was much worse. My chest was POUNDING, I could feel my heartbeat so strongly in my entire upper body. My heart rate was SO fast. I tried to slow my breathing, but when I realized I couldn't, I knew something was wrong and woke up Tayler. We were trying to look up urgent care insurance information and started getting dressed to take me either there or to the hospital (urgent care hadn't opened yet). It was getting a little hard to breath, just because I felt like no matter how I breathed, my heart rate didn't change. It felt like I couldn't get any air in. This lasted for about 5-10 minutes, and then stopped, just as we were putting on shoes. We decided to lay down and try to rest and see if things continued to stabilize. I ended up going to urgent care later that day, and after x-rays and multiple tests and waiting forever, they figured out my thyroid was super super low, which had caused the heart palpitations. It was due to my Levothyroxine medication that I was on for IVF—for some reason the thyroid level took a dip after a while with my dosage. The doctor said that if it happened again, I should definitely go to urgent care or the hospital rather than trying to go back to sleep. Tayler was pretty upset that my doctor hadn't been more careful about monitoring the prescription level. I had quite the pain in my chest afterwards, which lasted for over a week.
I tried to rest and not get my heart rate up for a few weeks after that. At the next saline sonogam on December 5, 2019, my doctor told me the band had split and was dissolving a little—she cleared me to move forward with IVF. I was so happy and thankful. I prayed everyday that Heavenly Father will help us start our family.
I tried to rest and not get my heart rate up for a few weeks after that. At the next saline sonogam on December 5, 2019, my doctor told me the band had split and was dissolving a little—she cleared me to move forward with IVF. I was so happy and thankful. I prayed everyday that Heavenly Father will help us start our family.
The pain and soreness from the heart palpitation finally started feeling better after about a week, but I was so nervous because this all happened about two weeks before our second transfer, and I wasn't feeling back to 100% for a few weeks. Because you have to start the medications and shots even earlier than the transfer, I had to decide when I was still feeling the crappy after-effects from the palpitations episode whether we were going to proceed or if we should wait another month. I ended up calling my parents for advice and telling them what happened, and it was exactly what I needed to hear—my mom apparently has a low thyroid and has experienced heart palpitations before, and my dad reassured me saying of course I'm feeling lousy after, my heart is a muscle and it had never pounded that hard or fast for so long before, so it was going to take some time to recover and not be sore. It was a huge comfort, and made both Tayler and I feel confident in our decision to move forward with our transfer.
We started medications and shots a few days later and had our transfer on Dec. 16th. The transfer went smoothly, but we couldn't actually see the embryo as clearly as we had with the first transfer, just a little flash almost. Once again I prayed hard and asked for a miracle a second time. I had been reading in the Bible about people asking for miracles and realized I hadn't really done that before (before the first miracle I asked for previously).
The wait was pretty difficult. Unlike the first transfer, I didn't really have a gut feeling whether it worked or not. So I prayed and trusted and hoped. I took a home test early, before leaving for the holidays to be with family, but it came out negative (I wasn't too worried because I knew it was so early to test . . . about day 5). Our testing day was on Christmas, and though the clinic wanted me to wait to receive a more accurate blood test, I took a home test first thing that morning and got a positive. Best Christmas present we could have ever received! :) We kept that to ourselves this time, not wanting to share until after the first ultrasound (with the history of the last miscarriage). At our first transfer we had kept our parents informed, and we had told our parents we were transferring this second time, but we didn't want to get ourselves or anyone else too excited yet. I got a blood test done on the 26th, which came back positive, but both Tayler and I felt like we needed to make it to the first ultrasound confirmation to really believe it was real and not get our hopes up too high. The miscarriage had made us more cautious this time around.
We were in Redlands for Christmas and Utah for the New Year, and my doctor always wants a second blood test a few days later to confirm the HCG levels were rising appropriately. So I snuck away and went to another lab in Utah, from which I received a call with results from my doctor . . . she started off with congrats, and then asked if I had been to two different labs for the first and second test. When I responded that I had, she mentioned the levels didn't seem to be rising as much as needed, but there can be a difference between labs. That made us nervous, of course. Once we were back in California, we had a 3rd confirmation blood-work test completed, which came back perfect. :) God granted us miracle #2.
One side note for a special experience I had on Christmas Eve. Of course, I was nervous with being able to test the next morning and being with family all break if it was negative or if anything went wrong. But at one of the rest homes we visited, a sweet woman Tayler and I talked to mentioned how her parents had tried to have children for 5 years and then she was their miracle child, and it just felt like a little nudge from Heaven, being so applicable to us with being married for almost exactly 5 years to the date (minus 3 days) and with testing the pregnancy the next morning.
On January 14, 2020, we had the first ultrasound. This was the point we had made it to previously, where we had found out that the gestational sac was empty and that the baby hadn't grown. We were so nervous, and when the ultrasound started, the doctor took a minute to find the baby, which of course felt like a lifetime. But she showed us our sweet little grain-of-rice-sized nugget, measuring in at the correct spectrum size for it's due date, and she even showed us baby's lovely heartbeat. :) It was absolutely beautiful and surreal. I still can't really believe we're finally having a baby. God granted us miracle #3 (I had prayed for this third miracle, specifically, too).
The next miracle I asked for is for our baby to grow and develop correctly. The doctor said at that last apt that our chance of miscarriage was at about 10%, and with our next apt (about two weeks later) the chance of miscarriage dropped to 5%, and after about 10 weeks it dropped down to ~2% and remains there for the rest of the pregnancy.
We asked for the gender to be written down so we could open it when we wanted to. :) Tayler and I agreed it would probably be best to wait and open it after our next appointment, when the chances of miscarriage were even lower.
Boy oh BOY! We found out our little miracle baby is a boy!!! We opened the envelope at a pizza place that has a dairy free cheese option, and it was such a surprise! Now we call our baby "he" when we talk about him and pray for him to grow and develop correctly and to be safe and healthy. We are so, so incredibly grateful for this baby boy. We got to see him moving around a bit in an ultrasound about two weeks after. I didn't get to see the screen very well, but the doctor kept commenting on how wiggly "it" was (before we knew it was a he), and Tayler was able to see him moving around.
In February, we "graduated" to our normal OB and were able to see him in another ultrasound where he looked so much bigger! We got to see him moving all around, our energetic little babe. :)
Back in February, I wrote: "I honestly feel like this little one is all surreal and just a dream . . . doesn't quite feel like he's inside me growing and going to actually make us parents in the next 6 months or so. That said, I am feeling quite nauseous & gross, and other side effects to remind me that he is indeed there. That, and I'm starting to feel like I look pregnant, though Tay reassures me that I don't quite yet (I think I'm more honest lol). Very happy, very grateful, very blessed."
On January 14, 2020, we had the first ultrasound. This was the point we had made it to previously, where we had found out that the gestational sac was empty and that the baby hadn't grown. We were so nervous, and when the ultrasound started, the doctor took a minute to find the baby, which of course felt like a lifetime. But she showed us our sweet little grain-of-rice-sized nugget, measuring in at the correct spectrum size for it's due date, and she even showed us baby's lovely heartbeat. :) It was absolutely beautiful and surreal. I still can't really believe we're finally having a baby. God granted us miracle #3 (I had prayed for this third miracle, specifically, too).
The next miracle I asked for is for our baby to grow and develop correctly. The doctor said at that last apt that our chance of miscarriage was at about 10%, and with our next apt (about two weeks later) the chance of miscarriage dropped to 5%, and after about 10 weeks it dropped down to ~2% and remains there for the rest of the pregnancy.
We asked for the gender to be written down so we could open it when we wanted to. :) Tayler and I agreed it would probably be best to wait and open it after our next appointment, when the chances of miscarriage were even lower.
Boy oh BOY! We found out our little miracle baby is a boy!!! We opened the envelope at a pizza place that has a dairy free cheese option, and it was such a surprise! Now we call our baby "he" when we talk about him and pray for him to grow and develop correctly and to be safe and healthy. We are so, so incredibly grateful for this baby boy. We got to see him moving around a bit in an ultrasound about two weeks after. I didn't get to see the screen very well, but the doctor kept commenting on how wiggly "it" was (before we knew it was a he), and Tayler was able to see him moving around.
In February, we "graduated" to our normal OB and were able to see him in another ultrasound where he looked so much bigger! We got to see him moving all around, our energetic little babe. :)
Back in February, I wrote: "I honestly feel like this little one is all surreal and just a dream . . . doesn't quite feel like he's inside me growing and going to actually make us parents in the next 6 months or so. That said, I am feeling quite nauseous & gross, and other side effects to remind me that he is indeed there. That, and I'm starting to feel like I look pregnant, though Tay reassures me that I don't quite yet (I think I'm more honest lol). Very happy, very grateful, very blessed."
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Now we're at less than a month before baby boy makes his debut. The challenges haven't gone away—thanks, Covid—but we've been through enough to get this far that I believe it's slowly making us stronger. I think one of the biggest things I've learned is that sometimes, all you can do is try to trust in God and have faith, and that is enough to pull you through. I've learned that God grants miracles for me. I've learned that it's ok if I don't know why things happened the way they did. Even with questions, I can continue to act in faith by trusting God and hanging on to what I do know.
Thanks for sharing, Becca. You are such a strong person and this little baby boy is so so lucky! I’m so excited for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Anne. So sweet of you to say! Hope you + Spencer are doing well—congrats on baby #2 coming soon!! So happy for you!
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